Washed away

Walking out the door filled with excitement and guilt, suitcase in hand, I second guessed myself. My oldest was crying for me as I left for a girls’ trip. Did I really need to go? What kind of mother leaves her children to board a plane and relax on the beach for a few days with her girlfriends? Will my husband survive or will they devour him in the first 24 hours? Am I selfish for needing time for me? 

The guilt didn’t subside until the plane landed and we were there. During the day to day my insecurities as a mom seem to plague my every move. All day I think I haven’t read enough books or given enough hugs. I think I wasn’t patient enough. But then again, did I discipline correctly? Were the meals healthy enough? I don’t know. That’s the truth. I have no earthly idea. 

But what I do know, sitting here watching the waves crash in is that I love my family. I love them with every ounce of my being. And I give them everything I have to give. And today, it’s ok to be me. As guilty as I felt leaving, I need a minute……or two. I have to turn off my mommy brain and remember who I am, and to connect and remember my purpose. I am a wife. I am a mom. But I am also a girl. We all are. 

We are girls that need to laugh, and read, and dance. We need to be still and reflect. We need to miss our babies. We need to be one with God. We need to wiggle our toes in the sand and drink a hot cup of coffee in its entirety. We need to cry- not out of frustration or defeat. But out of sheer emotion. 

As a new mother, I thought I couldn’t leave my babies. Outside of work, I never left them. Ever. Honestly, I didn’t want to. But it took me three babies to realize, nobody wants to leave their babies. But sometimes….. we need to. 

Before our family leaves the beach, I take the kids down to the ocean. I tell them to look as far and as hard as they can. I tell them to take in just how big that mighty ocean is. When they have soaked it in, I remind them that their God spoke it into existence. That no matter how big their fears or problems are, their God is bigger. He is bigger. 

As moms, we tend to forget to give ourselves a moment. That moment to let ourselves be penitrated and washed by grace and goodness. Although I have guilt for taking some time for me, I know at my very core, that I will be better for it. I will return a better mommy and a better wife. I will have more to give those that I love most. 

Take care of yourselves girls. Too many people need and depend on you. 

❤️ Shalom
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