Last week while rushing through the aisles of Target I discovered something poignant about myself. And it had nothing to do with the dollar aisle or home decor. Although I kind of wish it had; it would have been much more fun to write about.
Hurriedly walking through the main aisle, a woman was coming out of a smaller aisle pushing a cart, and we met. We didn’t run into one another by any means, but there was an abrupt moment where we both scared one another at the unexpected appearance of someone in our path.
I have an overactive startle response. This is one of the few things I’ve always been able to recognize about myself. So I, of course jumped a great deal more than she did. And I felt the sensation of being startled pulsate throughout my entire body. I immediately apologized. Not a polite, “excuse me.” But a deep, “I am so sorry.”
The woman stared at me for a brief moment, then continued pushing her cart.
Walking away from the exchange, I felt physically impacted. She —from what I could assume by her reaction— did not. Now, I don’t know how she felt. But based on the interaction, she appeared unaffected.
As I learn more and more about myself, I am seeing patterns arising in my interactions, in my autonomic responses, in my perceptions…..
The fact that this person had the exact same experience as me yet had an incredibly different response was enlightening to say the least. I realized that I receive so much of what is happening around me internally; where there are actually people walking around the world who are not internally affected by everything they encounter. This was nuts. I thought, there are people who go throughout their days that don’t have intrinsic bodily reactions to any and all stimuli?
Walking around in this state has led to exhaustion and an underlying experience of assault in even minor interactions. Possessing a hyper-vigilance towards danger and a over-whelming sense of responsibility for other people’s happiness, safety, and/or emotions creates an environment where someone might just have an overactive response to walking up on someone in Target.
It also very clearly brings to light a serious denial of self. Somehow, I have learned to believe that her right to be there in that moment was bigger than my own. She had a right to that space, and I felt gross for imposing on it. She, however, did not express the same belief.
As I ponder the larger implications of these aspects of myself, I can see them everywhere. Interactions with sounds and people feel intense. Because they are intense. Because they are impacting my nervous system. And therefore, I feel intruded upon and often powerless. And many times, exhausted. The implications of not feeling worthy of taking up space in the world, results in becoming invisible, mirroring people’s wants, minimizing my own, feeling unseen, and possibly frustration for feeling all of these things.
The biggest concern comes in the recognition that I have walked around like this for 40 years. What if a mere 10% of the population (likely greater) walks around receiving every interaction internally like I do? Would this contribute to the social conflict we are observing in society?
Are we walking around vulnerable to internal threat in seemingly non-threatening situations? When we experience slight and casual interactions on an internal level how could we possibly feel regulated or safe? The environments around us are constantly controlling our nervous systems.
From experience, that’s a rollercoaster. It only seems logical to me, if other people are experiencing what I am, and if they don’t possess a hiding, freezing, or disappearing response to threat rather a fight response to the same stimuli, this could result in external aggression. I personally prefer to turn my aggression inward.
I am not saying my goal is to walk through the world completely unaware or unaffected by the very real needs of others. But I am BIG interested in obtaining a stance where I feel safe in my own body and limit my input to a degree where things like Target become enjoyable and not exhausting.
Until now, I don’t think I really understood people lived the other way. And if anyone reading this experiences the world on a internal and exhausting level:
- Start watching for regulated people who aren’t constant receptors
- take note of the ease they navigate situations without interruptions in homeostasis
- realize there is another way to experience the world
- work like crazy to figure out how to get there
- know that you are not alone